The Coming of Magmeato
by Mikel Midnight
Summary: In a world where social status is conveyed by girth, Barton Burdock is the most influential butcher of all. But can even his skills as Chef Brittania defeat the evil of Magmeato, and his creation the Leftovers That Walk Like A Man?


Under the pouring rain, the great beast looked up. He shook his head to clear it, water droplets scattering from his immense antlers. He reached down, and gripped the branch in his teeth, dragging it into the cave. As he entered the mouth of a case, he heard a voice. "Kudu?"

He answered his mate. "Here, Bara. Fruit." He dragged the branch further in to wear his mate lay, suckling their children. Gently, he snipped off one of the large purple fruits which lay on the branch, and nosed it over to her.

Happily, she leaned down and took it into her mouth, letting the juices run down her maw. "Is good."

He leaned down and nuzzled one of the foals which suckled at her teats. It whimpered slightly, and squirmed its way back to eat. "Many fawns?" he asked her.

She looked down. "72," she said with satisfaction. She knew that would be a cause of some competition among the children, with her mere 50 teats, but with her mate's help she knew they could manage. And by bearing him 72 young, she knew how proud he would be that his lineage would outnumber his rivals. "All healthy."

He stamped a hoof in joy. "Is good!" he said. He snipped off and rolled another piece of fruit to her. "Eat," he said encouragingly.

As she caught the other fruit in her mouth, she heard a crash outside the cave opening. "Kudu?" she said curiously. There were few predators in their area, though kidnappings had been known to happen from parents who had insufficient children to carry their family line.

Kudu narrowed his eyes, and turned around in the cave, antlers facing the opening. "I go see. You be safe," he said softly. Slowly, he edged his way out, shifting his antlers to and fro to provide maximum protection.

Bara barely saw the glint of steel in the night which decapitated her mate. As she saw his body tumble to the ground, she moaned in fear, and tried to shift her body around to protect her fawns.

In a flash of lightning before her, she saw a figure clad in white, red, and blue, with an enormous cleaver in one hand. "I am Chef Brittania," the figure said, waving the cleaver at her family. "And you all ... are venison."

**Chef Brittania in, "The Coming of Magmeato"**

In a secret laboratory near Cafe Citadel, the vegetarian villain known as Magmeato observed the roe-suet lunch. His hands rested on the control panel of the viewing screen, and as the lunch was about to start, he closed his eyes to gather his power. Soon, waves of 'animal magnetism' radiated out to the Cafe, animating the dead flesh being served.

The cooks sought to quell the disturbance, but their utensils were not designed for meat which was still mobile. They fled in horror as the grotesquely mobile dishes formed themselves into zombie-like animals, attacking them and the guests.

As the guests and staff hid under cover, they saw gobbets of shredded meat skillfully arrange themselves into the shape of letters, eventually forming a message: _Surrender the base or I'll take it by force! Sincerely, Magmeato_

Elsewhere, Opal Luna Jupityre smiled at her consort. "A magnificent meal, Captain."

Chef Brittania bowed slowly. "My stewpot is ever at your disposal, Your Gourmandity." As the silver-haired Omnivoral Majestrix stuck a spear into the bowl before her, she pulled out another piece of meat and stuck it into her mouth. "Tell me how many animals went into this dish?"

He thought for a brief moment, "238, most rotund one."

She sighed in satisfaction at the very thought, swallowing the gobbet and fishing around for another piece. Chef Brittania could not help but admire her beauty. The years spent at the fretful office of Majestrix had done nothing to quell her appetite, a frequent danger faced by those whose girth had earned them superior positions in government, and she remained almost perfectly spherical.

Jupityre scowled as the emergency line beeped at her. She picked it up. "You're interrupting the first of my mid-afternoon snacks. This had better be important."

"My apologies, Majestrix," said the voice on the other end. "This is Senior Kitchen Steward Alysdare, reporting from outside Cafe Citadel. The Cafe appears to have been attacked; I was the only one to escape."

She raised an eyebrow. "What do you know?" Listening carefully to the communiqué, she nodded in thought. "Steward, I commend you for your perseverance. The matter will be taken in hand."

Calmly, she addressed Chef Brittania. "I fear you are needed in your capacity as champion of the throne, my Chef."

Without a word, he took hold of the cleaver which had been gifted to him by the ancient sorcerer Merloin, and knelt on one knee in respect. "What needs be done?"

Later, he soared through the air like a great zeppelin, heading towards Cafe Citadel. As he approached, he could not help but notice the spoilage. Who would do such a thing, he fumed inwardly. Descending graceful as a bubble, he landed on the outskirts of the site.

As he walked onwards, senses alert, he found his way suddenly blocked by a wall of meat. He raised his cleaver and hacked at it, only to find it constantly reform as fast as he could tear it down. Frustrated, he rose back into the air, only to see the barrier follow him, until finally the entire Cafe was surrounded by a half sphere. He ascended higher, and then with a terrible howl, he plummeted downwards towards the barrier, cleaver carving through even as his accelerated weight pushed its way into the space he had made.

Finally he entered the Cafe itself. From behind him, he heard a voice: "Chef Brittania, at last we meat." He whirled around and beheld a grotesque figure. Due to the lack of external protuberances, the Chef believed it was male. His head was covered and his face was obscured by a helmet, and he was dressed in a red and purple costume. Most notably, however, he was hideously gaunt, and couldn't have weighed more than 200 pounds. It was difficult to image a being could still survive, much less remain active, being barely more than a mobile skeleton. "What are you?" he said, uncontrollably wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"I am Magmeato, master of animal magnetism," said the figure. "I am here to announce that I am taking over Cafe Citadel, and soon will be taking over the world. You may kneel to me now."

"I kneel to no one save our rightful ruler Majestrix Jupityre," said Chef Brittania. "If you have a legitimate claim to authority, you may make it to her ... otherwise, face the consequences."

"It is you who shall face the consequences of defying me," declared Magmeato. "Your murder of sentient beings for no other reason than to satisfy your peoples' insane appetites must cease! All will embrace vegetarianism!"

"You are mad," asserted the Chef. "We will never yield to such a perverse philosophy ... our entire civilised culture is based on carnivorism, and without it those foolish animals would breed us ... and themselves ... into extinction."

"There are always options to murder," responded Magmeato. "But I see you are as blind as the rest of these fools. Very well then, face your demise at ... the Leftovers That Walk Like A Man!" As he gestured magnetically, all the remaining animal parts left on the grounds assembled themselves into an immense humanoid. It stumbled towards Chef Brittania, blasting at him with the stench of rotting meat.

Chef Brittania gagged, and nearly fled from the spectacle. But he charged forward, only to find himself seized by the massive meat fist. He cleaved his way through it and raised himself into the air in an attempt to escape the noisome creature, but it reached out and slammed him downwards.

Brandishing his mighty cleaver, he sliced and diced at the creature's ankle, until it began to topple. At the last moment though the creature's magnetism reasserted itself and it uprighted, sweeping down and gathering Chef Brittania again in one massive fist, and inserting it into its chest, smothering him inside itself.

Magmeato gloated. "So shall fall all who oppose me," he announced to the cowering onlookers.

He began to tread back to the Cafe Citadel, when he heard a horrible roar. He turned around, to witness the sight of Chef Brittania, eating his way out of the villain's creation. "No ... it's impossible ... "

The champion of the realm ate and purged, ate and purged, his powerful digestive enzymes breaking down the Leftovers beyond a point where Magmeato's power could affect it. The villain watched, appalled, as his creation was dismantled and destroyed.

Finally, Chef Brittania stood amongst the mess, glaring at his surroundings. "On the gamey side, but meat benefits from a little conditioning." He brandished his cleaver with a murderous intensity in his eye.

He cursed to see that Magmeato had managed to escape whilst he was preoccupied. "You won't get away next time," he said aloud, and took off into the air, to report to his Majestrix.

From afar, Magmeato witnessed Chef Brittania's final words. "Next time, I will bring with me the Brotherhood of Evil Vegetarians," he said with a scowl, "and then we shall see what we shall see."


End file.
